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24 September #165 - Toolsi never thought i could understand how a person could dislike another person and be passionate about it. to dislike a person to the point where you cannot stand to be in close proximity to one another, to disagree with everything the other person says simply because you don't like them, to completely hate someone to the point that you would wish them ill and unhappiness (1 atm).
ever since that incident with mr.x, i now see him in another light. i don't hang onto every word he says. my defences are up. if need not, i would rather not speak to him. when asked, i would rather not hang out together anymore. when he talks to me, i choose not to listen. i just smile and nod. i don't try to make conversation. i don't ask questions.
i already know that he dislikes me from the backbiting he's been saying yet he doesn't realise that i know. he continues with the 'we're still good friends' charade and doesn't know i can see beyond his act. observing him from this 'other' side is quite interesting. i can see how hard he tries to say the right things in the right places. i can see him thinking before he speaks and i can see through his smile. i can see it is all a game for him and i wonder what it is that he wants to use from me? but the more he speaks to me, the more i remember that it is not genuine, and the more i want to get away from him. i don't wish to be sharing the same breathing space as him.
when u start to dislike someone, and they begin to annoy you. i guess you pay more attention, because all these little things jump out at you. you pick up on all the tiniest things that i'm sure u wouldn't normally notice. u actually start to nitpick. the words they use, the actions they perform - something will go wrong and that's all u can focus on.
it reconfirms my beliefs that everyone is out there with an agenda. we're all tools at the disposal of others, to be used then thrown away when the user is done with us.
i just wish they could just tell me what they want to use me for, and then let me decide whether or not i want to be used. rather than just manipulate me then leave me hurt and in a mess. 22 September #164 - Personality Suckyit could be the hormones raging about but i'm feeling more cranky and less tolerant of everything. i need my space. i don't like being forced/pushed into things, especially noisy surroundings. i like my peace. i enjoy my quiet. don't ever demand anything from me. i don't like superficial environments. nor do i like people pleasers or barbie and ken dolls. i don't need to be with people whose only requirement to a good time is to have their egos stroked all night. i can tolerate a toxic environment to a certain point, but to have to also tolerate toxic people is not only damaging to one's health but also damaging to one's intelligence. mr.x is a nice enough person (until u get on their bad side). always sweet and playing the 'nice guy' role. always got a story to tell, a dilemma to bitch about. always playing the victim or hero as required. but this outside persona is just a mask. dirt is dirt. if you put water on it and mix it up to make mud, it is still dirt. you can't hide who you truly are. when you can say the right words in the right situation, no one doubts you. no one questions your words. but listen carefully to a mr.x and they will reveal themselves to you without even realising it themselves. treat people with respect. treat them how you would like others to treat you. - this is the way. a mr.x 'nice guy' is a dangerous person. they lure you in with a false sense of security so you let your guard down and that is when they will pounce! use you, abuse you, and once they are done with you, kick you to the curb. i don't know which is worse; the control freak, the 'use you as a toy to amuse me' type or the ' i'm going to corrupt her for fun and then ditch her' i get rid of one 2-faced mr.x and now another one enters my life. at least this time i realised it before any damage could be done. still. i am a little hurt and disappointed at the things that were said today. mr.x, u have a sucky personality!! and i'm pretty sure karma is waiting around the corner for you!! soon enough, if this keeps up, im not going to trust anyone anymore - not even friends. a person who thrives on making others feel awful in order for them to feel better about themselves. negativity masked in honey. gossip at the expense of others. substance abuse. bitchy hidden double meaning remarks. vulgar descriptions of personal and private affairs. 2 faced untrustworthy sucky people!!.
#163 - Customers i don't like serving#1. Pervy Creepy Old Men There is no way in this lifetime that would ever see me dating a man 3x my age. Stop telling me things you think i want to hear. I don't know what types of girls you've been hitting on (actually i can guess by the destination and the frequency at which you go) but seriously, i sell travel, NOTHING else. Stop telling me i'm beautiful - i don't want to hear it! Stop trying to ask me out - I'm not interested! Stop asking me if i know anyone who would be interested - i sell tickets, i am not a 'mama', nor do i know anyone who is! I am the same age as your daughter or even grand-daughter. It is disgusting and so very wrong! #2. Creepy Men I am NOT interested. This is why i have to wear a fake ring. I do not want to hear about your past loves. I don't want to listen to you complain about your 3 exwives or 3 other girlfriends. I don't care that you brag to your mates that you have a girl in each country you visit. I am your travel agent - why can't you thickskulled men understand this? I sell air tickets, tours and hotels, nothing more! I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a matchmaker - NO i do not know of anyone who is looking for marriage, and NO i cannot introduce you to any special girls in (insert country). No i do NOT offer cleaning services (or know of any other 'interesting' girls who offer this service) - or any other services you were secretly referring to... No i will not fly halfway across the world to keep you 'company'. No i will not have coffee with you and NO you may not buy me dinner. telling me i'm beautiful is NOT going to make me like you anymore than i already dislike you. Sitting there and silenttly staring at me from across the room has already won you points to this 'creepy men' category. it will also make me walk out to the back out of sight so that i may feel less creeped out. case: my coworker is serving you. you have ur back to me. do not keep turning around to stare at me everytime you pause talking. i can see you and feel your eyes on me. i will NOT make eye contact in case this gives you the chance to ask me "you look familiar. do i know you from somewhere?". Do not tell me i sound cute/sweet over the phone - this has nothing to do airfares! #3. Mentally Unstable (Women) Surprising most of the unstable people i've come across just happen to be middle aged - elderly women more so than males. Please, please, do me a favour- if YOU are mentally unstable and you know it, please ask a family member to come out and book your ticket for you. I do not have the time to sit there arguing about what i said, what you said, and about who was right and who was wrong. I do not have the patience to listen to you tell me off just because you cannot remember what was written/said and then claimed that i twisted everything around and are toying with your mind because i know you are sick (yes. i was accused of previously knowing she was sick and messing with her head)! PUH-LEASE!! had i known before hand you were mentally ill, i would have rather avoided you. Why would i sit there for 5min listening to you lecturing me about how i should not argue with mentally unstable people because they have the tendancy to argue about everything even if they are WRONG! If you are sick and you know it, then don't lie to me when i ask you. "maam, i cannot book a ticket for you without a doctor's letter. Are you sick?" "no no.. i am very healthy, not sick at all" if you say this, don't turn around to the other customer and tell themm "yes, i am sick. only a little mentally unstable". it's the angry mentally unstable people that turn and twist everything you said /or happens against you or create nonexisting situations and blame you for them that i can't deal with. it's these types who never accept that they were mmistaken, that they were wrong and will push whatever wrong idea they had to the point that you just give up trying to fix the situation. at this point another colleague will have stepped in to take over and it is also at this point that the person actually either admits the truth or apologises or both "there's something wrong with my head. it's not normal. i'm mentally unstable. why was she argueing with me? i'm sorry"...it's too late for apologies! you don't pick a fight with me and then return to normal the minute someone else comes into the picture admitting you were in the wrong with them but so determined to push it on me! 20 August #162 - You have been Unfriended!I've come to a point where i've had to stop and think "how/why are we even still friends?". i've been avoiding a certain 'friend' because after every conversation we've had i always end up thinking .. " is it me that has changed or is it them that has changed?". It doesn't feel the same anymore. It has come to the point where i do not wish to pursue this friendship. at what point is it that you can cut off a friendship? you lose friends over the decades because everyone goes their own way. at first you don't see each other in weeks, which becomes months, that drag into years. eventually they slowly drift out of your life. they move from being in your inner circle to being in your outer circle. You no longer think they are important enough to include, and vice versa. it's a mutual understanding that we each have different things going on and now drift in different circles. at first it seems really easy to catch up, but as time goes on, you start to wonder why are we even trying and do i really car? i think it may be me that has changed. i just don't really care anymore. i don't need to listen to a superficial, ignorant, biased, little **** that thinks they know more about the world than i do. i don't need to be preached to, nor do i need to be told about the facts of life. i also do not need to listen to someone who pretends to be so charming and innocent when in actual fact they are really just a scheming, manipulative, vain, egotistical attention seeking tool. i don't need all this bullshit drama from someone who turns on the world just because things don't go the way they want it to. i also do not need to be friends with a suicidal person who only uses that as an excuse for attention. there are no more chances. i have had enought. you are unfriended. 4 August #161 - Forgiving... little brother. you are officially truly forgiven. find your happiness and stay strong.
forgiveness had occurred a long time ago. i didn't realise it until now.
all the thoughts i held were just superficial.
unconditional love truly does rule afterall... well eventually at least.
all it took was a split second to see in a different light.
it takes alot of energy to be unforgiving. and it draws out the worse emotions and thoughts. it's a horrible dark energy.
I was still holding onto a very small portion of that dark energy because i was hurt. i think it was to remind me that someone so close to me could still hurt me. it acted as a reminder not to let my guard down and keep my barriers up as a means of emotional protection. but it was tiring.
i'm going to get hurt. but i'm going to 'get over it', learn my lesson and move on. even if it takes me a few years.
i don't want to see you hurt. i should have accepted the apology even if i didn't think u truly meant it. but i accept it now, and am putting it behind me.
i realise now that all i really wanted was for you to be truly happy. happy from the inner depths of your heart and soul. i do not wish for you to ever feel hurt or any form of sadness. i want you to live your life to the fullest.
I can sort of see where parents come from with their unconditional love. they will love us no matter what we do. there's no conditon to love. they can never be disappointed. they know what we are capable of as their child and only wish for us to use our full potential. there are no terms and conditions. it's just 120% love. they wish for us to find ourself in this world. to be able to stand on our own, with our feet firmly planted in the foundation. to find love, happiness and be at peace. it may be a lot to ask when we are 'lost' and feel alone, but they are here as our support. they are on our side, they believe in us. the least we can do is believe in ourselves.
i never understood true forgiveness. it may have taken a few years, but i understand it now. i forgive you for saying i'm 'evil' and i forgive you for that 'incident'.
Go and be hapy.
"True forgiveness begins with love. It is letting go without a care for retribution and honestly wishing for a person's true happiness". Emi T.M-N.N.08.09
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